Cancer 1, Linds 0, for now.

Its been a long time since I've written anything here....

That means thing were going really well for a long time.

As most people know, I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer in July of 2012. I've been fighting for four years. I've gone through tough chemo and targeted chemo. I've lost my hair and grew it back. I've been on steroids and had a fat face and couldn't sleep, and for the past two plus years, I've been on a really mellow drug that didn't have many terrible side effects except that I don't heal well from injuries and I have fatigue.

Unfortunately the super drug i've been on, Kadcyla, is no longer working. Kadcyla and I had a great year and a half run. It kept everything at bay and we were good friends. Now... well, now it isn't working anymore. There is a tumor in my breast that has been growing like a weed. Luckily, the tumors in my liver have still been tiny or nonexistent. I hope it stays that way, as a liver is more important than a breast. But shit... it is scary as hell to find out that the super drug that everyone raved about and waited for no longer works. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It drives me crazy to understand that. I think its very hard for someone who has never experienced long term cancer therapy to understand how terrifying that is. I may be scared, but I will never give up.

I had a scan today. 7 weeks ago the tumor is my breast was 14.86 x 12.46mm. Now it is 19.3 x 14.3mm. Thats a significant growth. I knew I was going to hear that today because I have felt it. I can't sleep on my left side, which is the side that is normally most comfortable to sleep on, because the tumor hurts so much. I have nightmares every night because of my subconscious knowing that I am sick. Life is really scary with cancer. I can tell you, it is so much scarier when it comes back and you know it has become drug resistant.

I won't stop fighting. I won't give up. I may have lost this most recent fight, but I will win the next one. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to send me love, light, and prayers. I want you to know that I am doing the best I can. I cannot be positive every day. I cannot eat the best every day, I cannot be the poster child for cancer ever day, but I try my best.

Please know that I love each and every one of you who is going to read this. It means you are the people who are closest to me, or people who care about someone fighting a horrible disease. Life is so beautiful and so horrible at the same time. All I can do is smile, ride horses, swim, love my kitties and puppies, kiss and hug my most beloved friends and family, and hope that I can continue on for years to come. I don't know if that is in the cards for me, but I will try my best. I will do everything I can to stay alive. I am terrified today. So scared that I cry as I write this.

I have so much yet to do in this life. I don't know why I have cancer. I don't know why I have to fight this. But, here I am. My life is a battle, it has been for four years. Four long years, but also the shortest years you can imagine. I hope that makes sense to some people. Thank you for reading this, and thank you for loving me. Keep me in your thoughts. I need help now, very badly. I just want to grow old like everyone else. I don't want to be 30something and say goodbye.

I will post in a few days when I find out the new drug regimen and side effects and all that.

Love you all,
Linds