but things grow inside not only the body but in the mind.
I haven't written for a while. I've been in a place that I haven't been able to really figure out.
I've healed from surgeries. I've been back at work consistently (part time). I'm even back at the gym (hoorah, time to loose some weight!). I've felt so strange though, ever since surgery. At first I thought it was just my friend moving away, but my mental anguish only increased. My body too, is not the same. My doctors tell me that the things that I am feeling are all due to menopause. Instead of gradually moving into it as other women do, I was thrown smack down into the heart of it by having my surgery. I was dealing with the hot flashes, but I had this horrible insomnia. So, being already sad, and then not sleeping, kept me in a constant circle of what can only be described as depression I guess. I kept denying it, how could I possibly be depressed when I'm given a continued gift of life for now? I felt sort of like a completely ungrateful jerk being depressed when I still get to wake up every day to this beautiful world. Even knowing that, I couldn't help it. Last month I was crying all the time. Everything overwhelmed me. Anyone who really knows me knows how much I hate to cry...I've always been sort of ashamed of crying, like I was being weak. It scared me too- I know how much strength it takes to live with cancer and continually keep it at bay, and I was scared that crying was going to harm me. There was nothing I could do though. Its so weird to knowingly acknowledge something unusual happening, but not be able to do anything about it. So, my oncologist said it was time for me to start taking an anti-depressant. They not only help with my mental state, but also reduce hot flash symptoms.
So, things have been slowly getting easier to handle, mentally. I sleep more because the hot flashes at night have gotten much more infrequent.
I did have to start taking another pill though- an aromatase inhibitor. Basically without ovaries, my body stopped producing 98% of the estrogen in my body. But, your adrenal glands produce the last two percent. Unfortunately this percentage is enough to be dangerous, so I have to take these pills that are supposed to shut down that production. The side effects are a bummer though... I have a higher risk of bone density loss, I have a bunch of joint pain (especially in my hands), I have increased fatigue (which is also a side effect of my antidepressants), and menopause side effects in general are increased.
Its funny the things you have to go through... You have to decide what is worth it. Quality of life...
I'm still learning to deal with all of this stuff. This blog entry is sort of rough, I wonder how many people have made it through, haha.
I'm learning, trying, to look at each day and each day only. No backwards or forwards. Just today. Today, I'm grateful. I woke up to a day of sunlight, saw my parents (my angels), spent time with my beloved babies Pierre, Biko, and Elvis, and I know that I will see my sweet husband in a couple hours. I am grateful for life. It is very easy to take it for granted, to take those that you love for granted. Unfortunately it takes something crazy shitty for you to see sometimes... I spent alot of time in my life being ungrateful and regretful. No more.
Thank you for life. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my babies. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the light, the air, the love, the joy...
I'm going to try harder to be brave again. I know its the changes in my body that are affecting my mind and I will find my way back to being a warrior.
Love,
Linds
I loooooveee yooouuuuu.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, Linds, but I've been following your tale and I can only imagine how hard this phase of recovery is -- in many ways it's much more difficult because of all the things you feel you "should" be doing or feeling. But there is not "should." There only is what is and I admire you so much for doing the most centered and brave and honest and RIGHT thing possible, which is simply to NAME it. Most people go their entire lifetimes trying to learn the lesson that you can not control what happens, or even how you feel, but that simply naming your feelings and your struggles dissipates their power. It doesn't stop it -- but this too will change, and in its own time. And that you are already the very best kind of a warrior -- the kind that is not denying any part of the struggle to themselves or others -- you make us all strong by doing that and so you have, whether you know it or not, built up a freaking ARMY around you, grrl! Know that you have many who are routing for you, even if you do not know us, and you need not TRY to do anything, but simply sit in whatever moment there is to sit with, from breath to breath, feeling to feeling, moment to moment, day to day. You are the best kind of warrior -- one who chooses to be present. Thank you. -- your Mom's friend, Gina
ReplyDeleteDear Linds,
ReplyDeleteYou and Nicholas are in our thoughts and prayers. You are a true warrior fighting a war on physical and emotional levels. Keep doing your best to put one put in front of the other and maintain your gratitude each day for the many blessings you still have, but that may be hard to see sometimes.
You have many people who care for and love you.
We wish you and Nicholas peace, love and comfort,
Margaret, John, Lou & Frank
Hi Sweetheart! I am sending you my love and strength from Mt. Hood! I love hearing your awareness! Stay strong and know you are the light! You are love! You are Peace!
ReplyDeleteKatrina